A Lesson On Double Negation

In an English class the teacher is trying to impart to the students a new lesson.

Teacher: Class, today we are going to discuss the topic on double negation. Double negation involves using two words that connotes negativity. The end result of combining two negative words is an affirmative thought.

(The class was paying close attention to the discussion and everyone was very quiet.)

Teacher: You simply follow this structure, NOT plus a negative word. Take note that a negative word comes with the prefix 'un', 'in' and any other prefixes that implies the opposite meaning of the word. Now give me examples of negative words.

Student1: unholy!

Student2: unflattering!

Student3: insecure!

Student4: illegal!

Teacher: Very good class! Now let's apply double negation. NOT plus unholy becomes holy. Why, because unholy means not holy, so, 'not' 'not holy' means holy. Do you agree?

Class: Yes Ma'am.

Teacher: K, let's try the other words. Not unflattering becomes flattering.

(The teacher went to finish the examples, then explained her point.)

Teacher: This is what you should remember with double negation. The thought created from double negation becomes an affirmative thought because the double negativity changes the context of the word to an affirmative one. The negative context of the words cancel each other.

(The teacher went on to get her point across the room.)

Teacher: Remember, this is only possible with two negative words. Two negative words always imply a positive thought. Take note also that it can never be done the other way around, meaning, it has never happened in the English language that two affirmative words when combined ever turn out to mean a negative thought. Do you get it, class?

(Then from the back of the classroom, somebody yelled with sarcasm.)

Student: Yeah, right!

Consider Yourself Covered

A busload of people were all cramped up as they headed south in one of the Philippines' busiest islands.

Unfortunately though, every now and then there’s a very disgusting smell that wafts through the air. One can imagine the horrid smell of a sewage system that’s been left to stand for days under the intense heat of the sun.

The driver thought that it was really impolite for whoever it was to just pass gas as recklessly as that.

One annoyed passenger took off before she can reach her destination and as she pays the bus driver…

PASSENGER1: Here’s my fare.

BUS DRIVER: You are paying for two. Any companion? Which one?

PASSENGER1: Oh, I’m all alone. The remaining fare is for whoever it is who’s got some really bad gas problem in this bus. Whoever you are, consider yourself covered.

BUS DRIVER: Actually, I was thinking that perhaps I could just give that person who keeps on passing stinky gas in this bus, a free ride today. Take your money. It’s on me.

(Then from somewhere in the middle of the bus, a guy stood up and addressed both the bus driver and the passenger.)

PASSENGER2: Well, you really think I can’t afford to pay for my fare? How dare you!

Court Hearing

In a murder trial coined as the case of the decade, too much media frenzy was causing anxiety on both the prosecution and defense panels. On the day when the accused was cross-examined by the prosecution, this is what transpired . . .

Prosecution: (addressing the accused) At the time of the incident, what did you does?

(Immediately the defense attorney stood up and raised his objection.)

Defense: Objection, your honor. The question is grammatically wrong. Please have the prosecution rephrase the question!

Judge: Objection sustained. Please rephrase the question.

Prosecution: ( a little embarrassed) At the time of the incident, what did you did?

(Again, the defense stood up and objected.)

Defense: Objection, your honor. The question is still grammatically incorrect.

Judge: (a little annoyed) Objection sustained. Please rephrase the question and make sure that this time the question is grammatically correct.

Prosecution: (the lawyer, now obviously red from embarrassment, paused for a moment, recollected himself, took a deep sigh then addressed the accused for the third time) At the time of the incident, how do you do?

(The judge who was paying close attention to the interrogation, blurted out something inadvertently, to the shock of the audience and the media covering the trial.)

Judge: I'm fine, thank you! (Realizing what he just said, he slowly slid under the table).

Then the judge popped out from under the table and said.

Judge: Will somebody please make sure that my seat is fixed before doing any of this grammatically challenged questioning?

My Wife Is Deaf

A man in his early 50's went to a doctor and asked for an advice.

Man: Doctor, I have a problem with my wife. I don't know what to do with her.

Doctor: Why? What's the problem?

Man: She has a terrible hearing problem. She is so deaf, I have to repeat myself several times before she hears what I'm saying. What should I do?

Doctor: This is what you're going to do. First talk to her from a distance. If she doesn't hear you, move a few feet closer. Still if she doesn't hear what you're saying, move a few more feet closer to her. Repeat this until she finally hears you. This is the only way to find out if she really has a bad hearing problem like you said. Okay?

The man went home and as soon as he got home, he did exactly what the doctor told him to do. His wife was in the kitchen and it looked like she was cooking something.

Husband: Hon, what are we having for dinner tonight?

The wife didn't answer him so he moved a few feet closer.

Husband: What are we having for dinner hon?

Still the wife didn't answer so the husband moved further until he was an arm's length away from her. And he asked the same question. The wife answered.

Wife: I'm telling you for the third and last time, we are having meat loaf for dinner tonight!

How Did This Happen?

Warning: This joke is not for children. Beware.

A little kid was strolling along the beach packed with people, basking in the sun, hoping to get some tan. Then something caught the boy's attention.

Little Boy: (asking a guy) What is this?

Beach Guy: (who was sunbathing with full frontal exposure) Ahhhh... Nothing... Just a bird!

Then he immediately covered his crotch with the book that he was reading. The little boy who was a little confused, left immediately. The guy fell asleep and when he woke up, he was already in the hospital in excruciating pain.

Doctor: Tell us something. How did this happen to you?

Beach Guy: I don't know. Ouch!

Doctor: Just tell us the last thing that you remember. K?

Beach Guy: (a little embarrassed) I was sunbathing on the beach when this kid came and ask about this (as he pointed to his crotch). I'm sure that if you find that kid, he will be able to tell you something that he might know.

The authorities then scoured the beach for the kid based on the description given by the beach guy.

They found him and interrogated him hoping that he can shed some light on what happened.

Police: Do you know what happened to this guy?

Little Boy: (little children almost always tell the truth) Well, I asked him, what that thing was. He told me it was a bird. It sure looked like a bird, only a little peculiar. Haven't seen anything like that before.

Police: So what happened?

Little Boy: When I came back, he was sleeping so I tried to play with it. But it spit on me. So I pulled its neck, burned its nest and crushed its eggs!

Divine Intervention

An older man who has a history of diabetes complications visits his doctor for a check-up.

DOCTOR: So how are you feeling today?

PATIENT: I haven't felt this good in a long time. I think my faith in the supreme being is helping me.

DOCTOR: (Amazed at the remark) And why is that so?

PATIENT: It's almost like a divine intervention, you know? I feel like angels are watching me all the time. When I wake up to go to the bathroom at night there's a light that comes on in the darkness and as soon as I'm done peeing it shuts off on its own.

DOCTOR: (Still bewildered) Okay. You seem to be in your best shape anyway. And you seem fine. You can go home and I'll see you again after a while.

After the patient left, the doctor called up the wife to verify the information.

WIFE: So how was the check-up? Is my husband okay?

DOCTOR: Yeah, he's fine. But I just want to know something. Is your husband a religious man?

WIFE: Why?

DOCTOR: He told me about some sort of divine intervention; angels watching him all the time; a light that shining on him in the darkness when he wakes up to go to the bathroom at night...something like that. Are you aware of this?

WIFE: That son of a bitch! He's peeing again in the fridge!

Drunk Again

John went home late at night after having a drinking spree with his buddies. As soon as he got home he slowly climb his way upstairs, and tried so hard not to wake up his wife who was already sleeping. Unfortunately, all the lights were out and while John grope his way in the darkness, he stumbled on a piece of lamp at the top of the stairs, and he cut his face and arms. Luckily he didn't wake up his wife, so he dressed his wounds and quietly slipped under the covers. Then the following morning . . .

WIFE: John, you were drunk again last night. Weren't you?

JOHN: No, I just had a bottle of beer. That's it. That won't make me drunk!

WIFE: (staring closely at John's face with traces of blood.) Really?

JOHN: (Cautiously defended himself). Oh, this is nothing. The cat was sleeping by the door when I came in and since it was dark I stepped on him so I tripped.

WIFE: (was really pissed and screamed at John). Don't lie to me! You see the bathroom mirror? It's got band-aid all over it!