Medical Prognosis...If You're A Pinoy Like Me!

antibody -- you're definitely against everyone

artery -- it is a structured study of fine paintings

benign -- this is what you become after you be eight

bowel -- includes and is limited to the letters A, E, I, O, U

Caesarean section -- a prominent region in Rome

cardiac arrest -- when you are caught stealing someone else's car

cardiology -- an in-depth study of the game of poker playing

critical but stable condition -- when you run out of allowance but you still have enough load in your cell phone for text messaging

critical mass -- the service that politicians attend prior to election day

CT Scan -- something that you do if your cat goes missing

dialysis -- an automated telemarketing strategy

DOA (dead on arrival) -- the state of your electronic gadget upon receipt when you get it from an online thrift store

dilate -- the ability to live longer

enema -- referring to someone who is not your friend

genes -- usually comes in pairs of blue denim

hemorrhagic pancreatitis -- a more sophisticated way of saying 'bangungot'

hemorrhoid -- nasty being from outer space

impotent -- means that you are distinguished

labor pain -- refers to all your work-related stress

lobotomy -- a very unimpressive way of referring to a medical procedure involving the brain; 'lobot' in my dialect actually means 'ass'

organ transplant -- a strategic relocation of your piano

paralyze -- coincidental lies

pathological -- having to do with the paths you take from home to work and vice versa

protein -- when you are in favor of the younger generation

red blood count -- typical if you are one of the descendants of Count Dracula

secretion -- the art of hiding secrets

terminal illness -- a sickness you acquire in one of these locations: airports, pier, train station

tumor -- when you need an extra pair

vital signs -- critical clues to how much your medical bill is gonna be

Just For Fun: The One Phrase You Can't Mess With

Read the following lines with conviction. Enunciate every word. See what happens.

Oh my darling please don't touch me!

Oh my darling please don't touch!

Oh my darling please!

Oh my darling!

Oh my!

Oh...

Note: Every time you remove a word from the original phrase, the remaining phrase is still able to convey a complete thought.

Don't you think?

The Filipino Ingenuity…Err…What?

A man who was happily sipping his cup of café mocha as he came out from an infamous coffee shop was distracted by the sight of two men who were working on the road side in a residential area in South Bay in California.

One man was busy digging a hole on the ground, and as soon as he finishes digging about a foot-deep hole, the other man immediately fills the hole up with dirt. The man was really puzzled so he asked the two men what exactly they were up to. It turned out that those two men were just hired to work overseas from the Philippines.

Curious Guy: Can you explain to me what you are trying to do? It doesn’t look like you are having fun.

PINOY1: (Trying so hard to express himself in the English language). Well man, you know man, we just got hired man. This is our first job in the U.S., and you know man, we do well. We do our best.

Curious Guy: (Still confused). But what exactly are you doing boring a hole in the ground and the other one filling it up as soon as it’s done?

PINOY2: We are on a contract. There were three of us, Filipino workers. But today, the one who is assigned to plant the trees is absent because he’s sick, that’s why we just had to do what we can do without him. We just can’t stand here and do nothing. We have a job to finish!

Short-Term Memory

Three wives were talking to each other about the dilemma of getting old.

WIFE1: I don't mind getting old but the older I get the harder it is for me to remember certain things. Can you imagine, sometimes I put my dentures in the freezer and just as when I take some ice cubes I end up taking my dentures as well such that both the ice cubes and my dentures end up floating in my glass.

WIFE2: Well I don't think that's as bad as what I go through. You know, whenever I take the stairs, as soon as I reach the middle portion of the staircase I forget which way I am headed, whether upstairs or downstairs.

(The third wife proudly shared her story.)

WIFE3: Oh, thank God! I'm so not like the two of you. Even if I'm already in my 50s I still can remember things clearly, and I have to knock on wood for that. God forbid, I will not be as forgetful as the two of you, anytime soon.

(She did the gesture of knocking on wood, as if warding off some bad jinx from happening to her all too soon. Then the she calmly said...)

WIFE3: Wait a minute, would you mind excusing me? I have to get the door. Someone's knocking!

A Little Distasteful But Funny

I was watching the Sopranos last week and they featured these jokes in some of the scenes. The jokes are short, a little distasteful, but have a really catching punch line. Disclaimer: I don't mean to offend anyone here. These jokes are solely meant to entertain, and not to discriminate any particular sect of society. If you are easily offended feel free to leave this page now.

Joke1: A guy came home one night with a bouquet of flowers and as soon as the wife opened the door, she said, "Guess I have to spread my legs tonight!" And the husband replied, "Why? You don't have a vase?"

Joke2: A blind man passes by a fish market every morning, and do you know what he says everytime? "Hello ladies!"

Joke3: A gay couple decided to do artificial insemination using a surrogate mother. Nine months later, the baby was born. They went to the nursery and all the babies were crying, except for one baby, and they thought, "That must be our baby right there!" The nurse came and said, "Yeah, right! Wait till you get the pacifier out of his ass!"

A Lesson On Double Negation

In an English class the teacher is trying to impart to the students a new lesson.

Teacher: Class, today we are going to discuss the topic on double negation. Double negation involves using two words that connotes negativity. The end result of combining two negative words is an affirmative thought.

(The class was paying close attention to the discussion and everyone was very quiet.)

Teacher: You simply follow this structure, NOT plus a negative word. Take note that a negative word comes with the prefix 'un', 'in' and any other prefixes that implies the opposite meaning of the word. Now give me examples of negative words.

Student1: unholy!

Student2: unflattering!

Student3: insecure!

Student4: illegal!

Teacher: Very good class! Now let's apply double negation. NOT plus unholy becomes holy. Why, because unholy means not holy, so, 'not' 'not holy' means holy. Do you agree?

Class: Yes Ma'am.

Teacher: K, let's try the other words. Not unflattering becomes flattering.

(The teacher went to finish the examples, then explained her point.)

Teacher: This is what you should remember with double negation. The thought created from double negation becomes an affirmative thought because the double negativity changes the context of the word to an affirmative one. The negative context of the words cancel each other.

(The teacher went on to get her point across the room.)

Teacher: Remember, this is only possible with two negative words. Two negative words always imply a positive thought. Take note also that it can never be done the other way around, meaning, it has never happened in the English language that two affirmative words when combined ever turn out to mean a negative thought. Do you get it, class?

(Then from the back of the classroom, somebody yelled with sarcasm.)

Student: Yeah, right!

Consider Yourself Covered

A busload of people were all cramped up as they headed south in one of the Philippines' busiest islands.

Unfortunately though, every now and then there’s a very disgusting smell that wafts through the air. One can imagine the horrid smell of a sewage system that’s been left to stand for days under the intense heat of the sun.

The driver thought that it was really impolite for whoever it was to just pass gas as recklessly as that.

One annoyed passenger took off before she can reach her destination and as she pays the bus driver…

PASSENGER1: Here’s my fare.

BUS DRIVER: You are paying for two. Any companion? Which one?

PASSENGER1: Oh, I’m all alone. The remaining fare is for whoever it is who’s got some really bad gas problem in this bus. Whoever you are, consider yourself covered.

BUS DRIVER: Actually, I was thinking that perhaps I could just give that person who keeps on passing stinky gas in this bus, a free ride today. Take your money. It’s on me.

(Then from somewhere in the middle of the bus, a guy stood up and addressed both the bus driver and the passenger.)

PASSENGER2: Well, you really think I can’t afford to pay for my fare? How dare you!