Court Hearing

In a murder trial coined as the case of the decade, too much media frenzy was causing anxiety on both the prosecution and defense panels. On the day when the accused was cross-examined by the prosecution, this is what transpired . . .

Prosecution: (addressing the accused) At the time of the incident, what did you does?

(Immediately the defense attorney stood up and raised his objection.)

Defense: Objection, your honor. The question is grammatically wrong. Please have the prosecution rephrase the question!

Judge: Objection sustained. Please rephrase the question.

Prosecution: ( a little embarrassed) At the time of the incident, what did you did?

(Again, the defense stood up and objected.)

Defense: Objection, your honor. The question is still grammatically incorrect.

Judge: (a little annoyed) Objection sustained. Please rephrase the question and make sure that this time the question is grammatically correct.

Prosecution: (the lawyer, now obviously red from embarrassment, paused for a moment, recollected himself, took a deep sigh then addressed the accused for the third time) At the time of the incident, how do you do?

(The judge who was paying close attention to the interrogation, blurted out something inadvertently, to the shock of the audience and the media covering the trial.)

Judge: I'm fine, thank you! (Realizing what he just said, he slowly slid under the table).

Then the judge popped out from under the table and said.

Judge: Will somebody please make sure that my seat is fixed before doing any of this grammatically challenged questioning?

My Wife Is Deaf

A man in his early 50's went to a doctor and asked for an advice.

Man: Doctor, I have a problem with my wife. I don't know what to do with her.

Doctor: Why? What's the problem?

Man: She has a terrible hearing problem. She is so deaf, I have to repeat myself several times before she hears what I'm saying. What should I do?

Doctor: This is what you're going to do. First talk to her from a distance. If she doesn't hear you, move a few feet closer. Still if she doesn't hear what you're saying, move a few more feet closer to her. Repeat this until she finally hears you. This is the only way to find out if she really has a bad hearing problem like you said. Okay?

The man went home and as soon as he got home, he did exactly what the doctor told him to do. His wife was in the kitchen and it looked like she was cooking something.

Husband: Hon, what are we having for dinner tonight?

The wife didn't answer him so he moved a few feet closer.

Husband: What are we having for dinner hon?

Still the wife didn't answer so the husband moved further until he was an arm's length away from her. And he asked the same question. The wife answered.

Wife: I'm telling you for the third and last time, we are having meat loaf for dinner tonight!

How Did This Happen?

Warning: This joke is not for children. Beware.

A little kid was strolling along the beach packed with people, basking in the sun, hoping to get some tan. Then something caught the boy's attention.

Little Boy: (asking a guy) What is this?

Beach Guy: (who was sunbathing with full frontal exposure) Ahhhh... Nothing... Just a bird!

Then he immediately covered his crotch with the book that he was reading. The little boy who was a little confused, left immediately. The guy fell asleep and when he woke up, he was already in the hospital in excruciating pain.

Doctor: Tell us something. How did this happen to you?

Beach Guy: I don't know. Ouch!

Doctor: Just tell us the last thing that you remember. K?

Beach Guy: (a little embarrassed) I was sunbathing on the beach when this kid came and ask about this (as he pointed to his crotch). I'm sure that if you find that kid, he will be able to tell you something that he might know.

The authorities then scoured the beach for the kid based on the description given by the beach guy.

They found him and interrogated him hoping that he can shed some light on what happened.

Police: Do you know what happened to this guy?

Little Boy: (little children almost always tell the truth) Well, I asked him, what that thing was. He told me it was a bird. It sure looked like a bird, only a little peculiar. Haven't seen anything like that before.

Police: So what happened?

Little Boy: When I came back, he was sleeping so I tried to play with it. But it spit on me. So I pulled its neck, burned its nest and crushed its eggs!

Divine Intervention

An older man who has a history of diabetes complications visits his doctor for a check-up.

DOCTOR: So how are you feeling today?

PATIENT: I haven't felt this good in a long time. I think my faith in the supreme being is helping me.

DOCTOR: (Amazed at the remark) And why is that so?

PATIENT: It's almost like a divine intervention, you know? I feel like angels are watching me all the time. When I wake up to go to the bathroom at night there's a light that comes on in the darkness and as soon as I'm done peeing it shuts off on its own.

DOCTOR: (Still bewildered) Okay. You seem to be in your best shape anyway. And you seem fine. You can go home and I'll see you again after a while.

After the patient left, the doctor called up the wife to verify the information.

WIFE: So how was the check-up? Is my husband okay?

DOCTOR: Yeah, he's fine. But I just want to know something. Is your husband a religious man?

WIFE: Why?

DOCTOR: He told me about some sort of divine intervention; angels watching him all the time; a light that shining on him in the darkness when he wakes up to go to the bathroom at night...something like that. Are you aware of this?

WIFE: That son of a bitch! He's peeing again in the fridge!

Drunk Again

John went home late at night after having a drinking spree with his buddies. As soon as he got home he slowly climb his way upstairs, and tried so hard not to wake up his wife who was already sleeping. Unfortunately, all the lights were out and while John grope his way in the darkness, he stumbled on a piece of lamp at the top of the stairs, and he cut his face and arms. Luckily he didn't wake up his wife, so he dressed his wounds and quietly slipped under the covers. Then the following morning . . .

WIFE: John, you were drunk again last night. Weren't you?

JOHN: No, I just had a bottle of beer. That's it. That won't make me drunk!

WIFE: (staring closely at John's face with traces of blood.) Really?

JOHN: (Cautiously defended himself). Oh, this is nothing. The cat was sleeping by the door when I came in and since it was dark I stepped on him so I tripped.

WIFE: (was really pissed and screamed at John). Don't lie to me! You see the bathroom mirror? It's got band-aid all over it!

Still Sick

One day in a mental institution, a doctor interviewed a patient to assess if he's fit for discharge.

DOCTOR: Tell me why you ended up in this institution.

PATIENT: Well I used to think that I was a mouse, but not anymore. After five years of being in this mental institution, I know now that I am not a mouse--I am a person, a human being!

DOCTOR: Well, I'm quite sure you're fine now. I'll sign the discharge documents and you can go get your stuff. There's no need for you to be in this mental institution anymore.

(The patient took his stuff and after going through discharge procedures eagerly marched his way out of the building. Then something happened. The patient came back and was catching his breath as he spoke to the doctor.)

PATIENT: Doctor, please help me. I can't leave. I'm so scared.

DOCTOR: Why? What's the matter?

PATIENT: There's a cat near the exit door and I'm so scared!!!

DOCTOR: Wait a minute. Didn't you tell me early on, that you already know that you're not a mouse? Right? You're a human being!

PATIENT: You're right, I know that I am not a mouse... but what about the cat? He doesn't know!

Old and Forgetful

After realizing how bad their memory was, an old couple decided to start writing things down in order to remember them. One night, they were watching TV and the husband decided to go to the kitchen to get some late-night snacks.

HUSBAND: Do you want anything?

WIFE: Yes, I would like a slice of chocolate cake. Write that down.

HUSBAND: There's no need to write that down. I can easily remember that.

WIFE: Okay. Could you put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on it? Now, write that down.

HUSBAND: Don't worry. I can still remember that.

WIFE: Can you also bring me a glass of milk with it? Write that down.

HUSBAND: No need. I can still handle that.

He left without writing anything and when he came back he brought scrambled eggs on toast.

WIFE: See what you've done? You forgot my coffee!