A Ground for Contempt

In a small town where everyone knows everyone, a trial is taking place. The prosecuting attorney calls his first witness to the stand--an elderly woman. He then proceeded to ask her:

PROSECUTOR: Mrs. Callaway, do you know me?

WITNESS: Why? Yes, I know you Mr. Henry. I've known you since you were a kid and quite frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people. You think you're somebody when you don't have the brains to realize that you will never amount to anything. Yes, I know you!

The lawyer was caught off-guard and never knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asks.

PROSECUTOR: Well, Mrs. Callaway, do you know the defense lawyer?

WITNESS: Why? Yes I do. I've known Mr. Grammer since he was a little boy too. He is a bigot, a lazy bastard, and a drunkard. He is not capable of relating to anyone and his law practice is one of the worst things that happened to this little town. Yes, I know him, in fact, I know that he cheated on his wife, slept with several women, one of whom was your wife.

Both the defense and prosecuting attorneys turned red and almost fainted.

Immediately, the judge asks both counsels to approach the bench, and with a very stern warning addressed the lawyers privately saying:

JUDGE: If any of you, morons, ever asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you out of this court for contempt!

Stretch 'n Lift

A fifty year old woman goes to a cosmetic surgeon to try to get rid of her wrinkles. The doctor explained that a painless procedure can be performed and it's called the "Stretch 'n Lift" wherein they put a small invisible screw behind the woman's head and she can do the daily adjustment to slowly stretch and lift the skin to get rid of the wrinkles. After being assured that it's painless and effective the old woman went for it.

A year later, the old woman can already see the wonderful results characterized by her vibrant, youthful and wrinkle-free look.

Then after five years she went back to see the surgeon.

WOMAN: I'm here because of two things that are really bothering me. For five years I've always loved the results of the "stretch 'n lift" until two weeks ago when I noticed these heavy bags under my eyes. And no matter what sort of adjustments I do, somehow I couldn't get rid of them.

DOCTOR: (Examines the woman carefully.) Well, those are not your eye bags. They're your breasts!

WOMAN: Well, I guess that explains why I can't seem to get rid of that annoying smell that follows me everywhere!

Embarrassing?

Two dwarfs went to town and decided to have fun for the night. They each picked out a woman and rented adjacent rooms where they can spend the rest of the night.

DWARF1: Goodness! This is too embarrassing! I can't get an erection. Damn!

(Meanwhile he can hear cries from the other dwarf in the other room.)

DWARF2: Here I come again...1....2...3....ugh!

(The first dwarf heard this all night long which made his depression even worse.)

In the morning, they were comparing notes...

DWARF2: How did it go?

DWARF1: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection.

DWARF2: You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!

Crazy Fools

Four crazy people were crowding in one bed.

FOOL1: Oh my goodness! It's too crowded on this bed.
FOOL2: Could one of us please get off the bed, damn it's too crowded!
(FOOL3 had no choice but to get off the bed.)
FOOL4: Oh thank goodness...finally it's not crowded up here anymore. Guess, we still have room for more. Come back up here!(gesturing to the fool who just got off the bed)
FOOL1 & FOOL2: Yup, it's not crowded here anymore. You can come back!