Tell Me If This Ain't Funny

Medical Prognosis...If You're A Pinoy Like Me!

2009-03-02T04:16:00.004-05:00

antibody -- you're definitely against everyone

artery -- it is a structured study of fine paintings

benign -- this is what you become after you be eight

bowel -- includes and is limited to the letters A, E, I, O, U

Caesarean section -- a prominent region in Rome

cardiac arrest -- when you are caught stealing someone else's car

cardiology -- an in-depth study of the game of poker playing

critical but stable condition -- when you run out of allowance but you still have enough load in your cell phone for text messaging

critical mass -- the service that politicians attend prior to election day

CT Scan -- something that you do if your cat goes missing

dialysis -- an automated telemarketing strategy

DOA (dead on arrival) -- the state of your electronic gadget upon receipt when you get it from an online thrift store

dilate -- the ability to live longer

enema -- referring to someone who is not your friend

genes -- usually comes in pairs of blue denim

hemorrhagic pancreatitis -- a more sophisticated way of saying 'bangungot'

hemorrhoid -- nasty being from outer space

impotent -- means that you are distinguished

labor pain -- refers to all your work-related stress

lobotomy -- a very unimpressive way of referring to a medical procedure involving the brain; 'lobot' in my dialect actually means 'ass'

organ transplant -- a strategic relocation of your piano

paralyze -- coincidental lies

pathological -- having to do with the paths you take from home to work and vice versa

protein -- when you are in favor of the younger generation

red blood count -- typical if you are one of the descendants of Count Dracula

secretion -- the art of hiding secrets

terminal illness -- a sickness you acquire in one of these locations: airports, pier, train station

tumor -- when you need an extra pair

vital signs -- critical clues to how much your medical bill is gonna be

Just For Fun: The One Phrase You Can't Mess With

2008-05-03T22:16:00.003-05:00

Read the following lines with conviction. Enunciate every word. See what happens.

Oh my darling please don't touch me!

Oh my darling please don't touch!

Oh my darling please!

Oh my darling!

Oh my!

Oh...

Note: Every time you remove a word from the original phrase, the remaining phrase is still able to convey a complete thought.

Don't you think?

The Filipino Ingenuity…Err…What?

2007-12-08T14:58:00.000-05:00

A man who was happily sipping his cup of café mocha as he came out from an infamous coffee shop was distracted by the sight of two men who were working on the road side in a residential area in South Bay in California.

One man was busy digging a hole on the ground, and as soon as he finishes digging about a foot-deep hole, the other man immediately fills the hole up with dirt. The man was really puzzled so he asked the two men what exactly they were up to. It turned out that those two men were just hired to work overseas from the Philippines.

Curious Guy: Can you explain to me what you are trying to do? It doesn’t look like you are having fun.

PINOY1: (Trying so hard to express himself in the English language). Well man, you know man, we just got hired man. This is our first job in the U.S., and you know man, we do well. We do our best.

Curious Guy: (Still confused). But what exactly are you doing boring a hole in the ground and the other one filling it up as soon as it’s done?

PINOY2: We are on a contract. There were three of us, Filipino workers. But today, the one who is assigned to plant the trees is absent because he’s sick, that’s why we just had to do what we can do without him. We just can’t stand here and do nothing. We have a job to finish!

Short-Term Memory

2007-05-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

Three wives were talking to each other about the dilemma of getting old.

WIFE1: I don't mind getting old but the older I get the harder it is for me to remember certain things. Can you imagine, sometimes I put my dentures in the freezer and just as when I take some ice cubes I end up taking my dentures as well such that both the ice cubes and my dentures end up floating in my glass.

WIFE2: Well I don't think that's as bad as what I go through. You know, whenever I take the stairs, as soon as I reach the middle portion of the staircase I forget which way I am headed, whether upstairs or downstairs.

(The third wife proudly shared her story.)

WIFE3: Oh, thank God! I'm so not like the two of you. Even if I'm already in my 50s I still can remember things clearly, and I have to knock on wood for that. God forbid, I will not be as forgetful as the two of you, anytime soon.

(She did the gesture of knocking on wood, as if warding off some bad jinx from happening to her all too soon. Then the she calmly said...)

WIFE3: Wait a minute, would you mind excusing me? I have to get the door. Someone's knocking!

A Little Distasteful But Funny

2007-05-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

I was watching the Sopranos last week and they featured these jokes in some of the scenes. The jokes are short, a little distasteful, but have a really catching punch line. Disclaimer: I don't mean to offend anyone here. These jokes are solely meant to entertain, and not to discriminate any particular sect of society. If you are easily offended feel free to leave this page now.

Joke1: A guy came home one night with a bouquet of flowers and as soon as the wife opened the door, she said, "Guess I have to spread my legs tonight!" And the husband replied, "Why? You don't have a vase?"

Joke2: A blind man passes by a fish market every morning, and do you know what he says everytime? "Hello ladies!"

Joke3: A gay couple decided to do artificial insemination using a surrogate mother. Nine months later, the baby was born. They went to the nursery and all the babies were crying, except for one baby, and they thought, "That must be our baby right there!" The nurse came and said, "Yeah, right! Wait till you get the pacifier out of his ass!"

A Lesson On Double Negation

2007-04-27T00:59:00.000-05:00

In an English class the teacher is trying to impart to the students a new lesson.

Teacher: Class, today we are going to discuss the topic on double negation. Double negation involves using two words that connotes negativity. The end result of combining two negative words is an affirmative thought.

(The class was paying close attention to the discussion and everyone was very quiet.)

Teacher: You simply follow this structure, NOT plus a negative word. Take note that a negative word comes with the prefix 'un', 'in' and any other prefixes that implies the opposite meaning of the word. Now give me examples of negative words.

Student1: unholy!

Student2: unflattering!

Student3: insecure!

Student4: illegal!

Teacher: Very good class! Now let's apply double negation. NOT plus unholy becomes holy. Why, because unholy means not holy, so, 'not' 'not holy' means holy. Do you agree?

Class: Yes Ma'am.

Teacher: K, let's try the other words. Not unflattering becomes flattering.

(The teacher went to finish the examples, then explained her point.)

Teacher: This is what you should remember with double negation. The thought created from double negation becomes an affirmative thought because the double negativity changes the context of the word to an affirmative one. The negative context of the words cancel each other.

(The teacher went on to get her point across the room.)

Teacher: Remember, this is only possible with two negative words. Two negative words always imply a positive thought. Take note also that it can never be done the other way around, meaning, it has never happened in the English language that two affirmative words when combined ever turn out to mean a negative thought. Do you get it, class?

(Then from the back of the classroom, somebody yelled with sarcasm.)

Student: Yeah, right!

Consider Yourself Covered

2007-04-15T00:37:00.000-05:00

A busload of people were all cramped up as they headed south in one of the Philippines' busiest islands.

Unfortunately though, every now and then there’s a very disgusting smell that wafts through the air. One can imagine the horrid smell of a sewage system that’s been left to stand for days under the intense heat of the sun.

The driver thought that it was really impolite for whoever it was to just pass gas as recklessly as that.

One annoyed passenger took off before she can reach her destination and as she pays the bus driver…

PASSENGER1: Here’s my fare.

BUS DRIVER: You are paying for two. Any companion? Which one?

PASSENGER1: Oh, I’m all alone. The remaining fare is for whoever it is who’s got some really bad gas problem in this bus. Whoever you are, consider yourself covered.

BUS DRIVER: Actually, I was thinking that perhaps I could just give that person who keeps on passing stinky gas in this bus, a free ride today. Take your money. It’s on me.

(Then from somewhere in the middle of the bus, a guy stood up and addressed both the bus driver and the passenger.)

PASSENGER2: Well, you really think I can’t afford to pay for my fare? How dare you!

Court Hearing

2007-03-23T18:48:00.000-05:00

In a murder trial coined as the case of the decade, too much media frenzy was causing anxiety on both the prosecution and defense panels. On the day when the accused was cross-examined by the prosecution, this is what transpired . . .

Prosecution: (addressing the accused) At the time of the incident, what did you does?

(Immediately the defense attorney stood up and raised his objection.)

Defense: Objection, your honor. The question is grammatically wrong. Please have the prosecution rephrase the question!

Judge: Objection sustained. Please rephrase the question.

Prosecution: ( a little embarrassed) At the time of the incident, what did you did?

(Again, the defense stood up and objected.)

Defense: Objection, your honor. The question is still grammatically incorrect.

Judge: (a little annoyed) Objection sustained. Please rephrase the question and make sure that this time the question is grammatically correct.

Prosecution: (the lawyer, now obviously red from embarrassment, paused for a moment, recollected himself, took a deep sigh then addressed the accused for the third time) At the time of the incident, how do you do?

(The judge who was paying close attention to the interrogation, blurted out something inadvertently, to the shock of the audience and the media covering the trial.)

Judge: I'm fine, thank you! (Realizing what he just said, he slowly slid under the table).

Then the judge popped out from under the table and said.

Judge: Will somebody please make sure that my seat is fixed before doing any of this grammatically challenged questioning?

My Wife Is Deaf

2007-03-16T08:18:00.000-05:00

A man in his early 50's went to a doctor and asked for an advice.

Man: Doctor, I have a problem with my wife. I don't know what to do with her.

Doctor: Why? What's the problem?

Man: She has a terrible hearing problem. She is so deaf, I have to repeat myself several times before she hears what I'm saying. What should I do?

Doctor: This is what you're going to do. First talk to her from a distance. If she doesn't hear you, move a few feet closer. Still if she doesn't hear what you're saying, move a few more feet closer to her. Repeat this until she finally hears you. This is the only way to find out if she really has a bad hearing problem like you said. Okay?

The man went home and as soon as he got home, he did exactly what the doctor told him to do. His wife was in the kitchen and it looked like she was cooking something.

Husband: Hon, what are we having for dinner tonight?

The wife didn't answer him so he moved a few feet closer.

Husband: What are we having for dinner hon?

Still the wife didn't answer so the husband moved further until he was an arm's length away from her. And he asked the same question. The wife answered.

Wife: I'm telling you for the third and last time, we are having meat loaf for dinner tonight!

How Did This Happen?

2007-03-11T18:40:00.000-05:00

Warning: This joke is not for children. Beware.

A little kid was strolling along the beach packed with people, basking in the sun, hoping to get some tan. Then something caught the boy's attention.

Little Boy: (asking a guy) What is this?

Beach Guy: (who was sunbathing with full frontal exposure) Ahhhh... Nothing... Just a bird!

Then he immediately covered his crotch with the book that he was reading. The little boy who was a little confused, left immediately. The guy fell asleep and when he woke up, he was already in the hospital in excruciating pain.

Doctor: Tell us something. How did this happen to you?

Beach Guy: I don't know. Ouch!

Doctor: Just tell us the last thing that you remember. K?

Beach Guy: (a little embarrassed) I was sunbathing on the beach when this kid came and ask about this (as he pointed to his crotch). I'm sure that if you find that kid, he will be able to tell you something that he might know.

The authorities then scoured the beach for the kid based on the description given by the beach guy.

They found him and interrogated him hoping that he can shed some light on what happened.

Police: Do you know what happened to this guy?

Little Boy: (little children almost always tell the truth) Well, I asked him, what that thing was. He told me it was a bird. It sure looked like a bird, only a little peculiar. Haven't seen anything like that before.

Police: So what happened?

Little Boy: When I came back, he was sleeping so I tried to play with it. But it spit on me. So I pulled its neck, burned its nest and crushed its eggs!

Divine Intervention

2007-03-08T09:38:00.000-05:00

An older man who has a history of diabetes complications visits his doctor for a check-up.

DOCTOR: So how are you feeling today?

PATIENT: I haven't felt this good in a long time. I think my faith in the supreme being is helping me.

DOCTOR: (Amazed at the remark) And why is that so?

PATIENT: It's almost like a divine intervention, you know? I feel like angels are watching me all the time. When I wake up to go to the bathroom at night there's a light that comes on in the darkness and as soon as I'm done peeing it shuts off on its own.

DOCTOR: (Still bewildered) Okay. You seem to be in your best shape anyway. And you seem fine. You can go home and I'll see you again after a while.

After the patient left, the doctor called up the wife to verify the information.

WIFE: So how was the check-up? Is my husband okay?

DOCTOR: Yeah, he's fine. But I just want to know something. Is your husband a religious man?

WIFE: Why?

DOCTOR: He told me about some sort of divine intervention; angels watching him all the time; a light that shining on him in the darkness when he wakes up to go to the bathroom at night...something like that. Are you aware of this?

WIFE: That son of a bitch! He's peeing again in the fridge!

Drunk Again

2007-03-06T03:58:00.000-05:00

John went home late at night after having a drinking spree with his buddies. As soon as he got home he slowly climb his way upstairs, and tried so hard not to wake up his wife who was already sleeping. Unfortunately, all the lights were out and while John grope his way in the darkness, he stumbled on a piece of lamp at the top of the stairs, and he cut his face and arms. Luckily he didn't wake up his wife, so he dressed his wounds and quietly slipped under the covers. Then the following morning . . .

WIFE: John, you were drunk again last night. Weren't you?

JOHN: No, I just had a bottle of beer. That's it. That won't make me drunk!

WIFE: (staring closely at John's face with traces of blood.) Really?

JOHN: (Cautiously defended himself). Oh, this is nothing. The cat was sleeping by the door when I came in and since it was dark I stepped on him so I tripped.

WIFE: (was really pissed and screamed at John). Don't lie to me! You see the bathroom mirror? It's got band-aid all over it!

Still Sick

2007-03-03T07:42:00.000-05:00

One day in a mental institution, a doctor interviewed a patient to assess if he's fit for discharge.

DOCTOR: Tell me why you ended up in this institution.

PATIENT: Well I used to think that I was a mouse, but not anymore. After five years of being in this mental institution, I know now that I am not a mouse--I am a person, a human being!

DOCTOR: Well, I'm quite sure you're fine now. I'll sign the discharge documents and you can go get your stuff. There's no need for you to be in this mental institution anymore.

(The patient took his stuff and after going through discharge procedures eagerly marched his way out of the building. Then something happened. The patient came back and was catching his breath as he spoke to the doctor.)

PATIENT: Doctor, please help me. I can't leave. I'm so scared.

DOCTOR: Why? What's the matter?

PATIENT: There's a cat near the exit door and I'm so scared!!!

DOCTOR: Wait a minute. Didn't you tell me early on, that you already know that you're not a mouse? Right? You're a human being!

PATIENT: You're right, I know that I am not a mouse... but what about the cat? He doesn't know!

Old and Forgetful

2007-03-02T12:01:00.000-05:00

After realizing how bad their memory was, an old couple decided to start writing things down in order to remember them. One night, they were watching TV and the husband decided to go to the kitchen to get some late-night snacks.

HUSBAND: Do you want anything?

WIFE: Yes, I would like a slice of chocolate cake. Write that down.

HUSBAND: There's no need to write that down. I can easily remember that.

WIFE: Okay. Could you put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on it? Now, write that down.

HUSBAND: Don't worry. I can still remember that.

WIFE: Can you also bring me a glass of milk with it? Write that down.

HUSBAND: No need. I can still handle that.

He left without writing anything and when he came back he brought scrambled eggs on toast.

WIFE: See what you've done? You forgot my coffee!

A Ground for Contempt

2007-02-26T02:21:00.000-05:00

In a small town where everyone knows everyone, a trial is taking place. The prosecuting attorney calls his first witness to the stand--an elderly woman. He then proceeded to ask her:

PROSECUTOR: Mrs. Callaway, do you know me?

WITNESS: Why? Yes, I know you Mr. Henry. I've known you since you were a kid and quite frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people. You think you're somebody when you don't have the brains to realize that you will never amount to anything. Yes, I know you!

The lawyer was caught off-guard and never knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asks.

PROSECUTOR: Well, Mrs. Callaway, do you know the defense lawyer?

WITNESS: Why? Yes I do. I've known Mr. Grammer since he was a little boy too. He is a bigot, a lazy bastard, and a drunkard. He is not capable of relating to anyone and his law practice is one of the worst things that happened to this little town. Yes, I know him, in fact, I know that he cheated on his wife, slept with several women, one of whom was your wife.

Both the defense and prosecuting attorneys turned red and almost fainted.

Immediately, the judge asks both counsels to approach the bench, and with a very stern warning addressed the lawyers privately saying:

JUDGE: If any of you, morons, ever asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you out of this court for contempt!

Stretch 'n Lift

2007-02-18T14:52:00.000-05:00

A fifty year old woman goes to a cosmetic surgeon to try to get rid of her wrinkles. The doctor explained that a painless procedure can be performed and it's called the "Stretch 'n Lift" wherein they put a small invisible screw behind the woman's head and she can do the daily adjustment to slowly stretch and lift the skin to get rid of the wrinkles. After being assured that it's painless and effective the old woman went for it.

A year later, the old woman can already see the wonderful results characterized by her vibrant, youthful and wrinkle-free look.

Then after five years she went back to see the surgeon.

WOMAN: I'm here because of two things that are really bothering me. For five years I've always loved the results of the "stretch 'n lift" until two weeks ago when I noticed these heavy bags under my eyes. And no matter what sort of adjustments I do, somehow I couldn't get rid of them.

DOCTOR: (Examines the woman carefully.) Well, those are not your eye bags. They're your breasts!

WOMAN: Well, I guess that explains why I can't seem to get rid of that annoying smell that follows me everywhere!

Embarrassing?

2007-02-10T15:45:00.000-05:00

Two dwarfs went to town and decided to have fun for the night. They each picked out a woman and rented adjacent rooms where they can spend the rest of the night.

DWARF1: Goodness! This is too embarrassing! I can't get an erection. Damn!

(Meanwhile he can hear cries from the other dwarf in the other room.)

DWARF2: Here I come again...1....2...3....ugh!

(The first dwarf heard this all night long which made his depression even worse.)

In the morning, they were comparing notes...

DWARF2: How did it go?

DWARF1: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection.

DWARF2: You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!

Crazy Fools

2007-02-06T18:12:00.000-05:00

Four crazy people were crowding in one bed.

FOOL1: Oh my goodness! It's too crowded on this bed.
FOOL2: Could one of us please get off the bed, damn it's too crowded!
(FOOL3 had no choice but to get off the bed.)
FOOL4: Oh thank goodness...finally it's not crowded up here anymore. Guess, we still have room for more. Come back up here!(gesturing to the fool who just got off the bed)
FOOL1 & FOOL2: Yup, it's not crowded here anymore. You can come back!